08 February 2012

After Dark, Coeds

The trailer for the film After Dark suggests that the "hottest night spots" in LA are a hill where "coeds" and vampires watch the clouds speed over downtown.

There's actually a realist motivation for the fast-cloud effect. Most vampires are hundreds of years old, which means that their experience of time is subjectively slower than that of mortal humans. Seven minutes for us feels like one minute to a vampire. Thus clouds that would appear to you or me as if merely drifting over the skyline would appear to vampires as if borne by a gale.

Understand the implications: in this trailer, you see the night sky as it might appear to the eyes of the ravening deceased.

I just realized something: the maker of this project is probably a vampire. Why else would he use the term "coed"? Sure, he looks like he's in his forties, but he's probably well over a hundred. That would also explain the jump cut, the whip-pan, and the portentous zoom. Vampire filmmakers do that kind of thing on purpose, because the more you struggle, in vain, to assign motivation to the techniques you see in their work, the better your blood tastes.

The astute vampire eschews capes for a more up-to-date look.

Note to other vampire filmmakers born before the advent of cinema and electric lights: if you want to make yourself look creepy (sex-offender creepy, not undead creepy, so as not to blow your cover), position yourself in the foreground between two harsh lights in the background, one on either side of the hotel-room bed. Then add a sickly little key light, and no fill.

Fill lights are for cattle.

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